But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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