Even the bartender felt bad for me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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