turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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