Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
