i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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