Soap is not a condiment
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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