i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
