Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I met the friendliest cop last night
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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