Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
