Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
