Im at strip club and am horny
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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