I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
