Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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