checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
