I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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