just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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