There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
