my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
