life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
