the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This baby is an asshole
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
