it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
