First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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