Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
