My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
