i need an iv and a liver transplant
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Randomize
