I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
