i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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