I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
