I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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