I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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