Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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