We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
