you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
