Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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