The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
