Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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