does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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