If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
