Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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