I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
