Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
