his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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