I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
