Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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