He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
