You're a womanizer and a bitch.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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