4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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