the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
