How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
