dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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