Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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