You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
